To My Exes

By: Mia L. Hazlett
3/19/13

Hello My Exes:

It took many relationships, two marriages, and almost 40 years to design this extraordinary virtuous woman. I must thank all of you. Although I could never see past my pain so long ago and not so long ago, God sent each of you in my life and took you all away, to design me to become who I am today.

My entire existence within my relationships existed to find what I wanted, rather than leaving what I didn’t like. I held within me the hope to change that which I found imperfect. I know now it had nothing to do with your inability to make me happy, but my lack of being good enough for myself. I spent so much time comparing myself to all the women that slipped in and out of the relationships that eluded the single trait of faithfulness, rather than walking away and coming to the resolution you weren’t good enough for me.

Being Christian came late in the game, but I was raised by two people that taught me right from wrong and how to treat people respectfully. Finally I’m at the point in my life where I realize, if it looks like shit, smells like shit, it’s probably full of shit too. There’s something attached to this little realization also, it will probably treat you like shit too.

You see when you lie to obtain what you want, that’s not treating someone with respect or walking with integrity. It’s being manipulative and conniving and it plays with people’s feelings and emotions. In other words, you are treating them like shit.

Where I must accept blame, is sticking around and accepting the shit. What the hell did I think I could change by staying? Why did I have so much faith in shit relationships? Because I had to become an expert at recognizing bullshitters. I have two little girls to raise and I’m happy to say, I can smell bullshit from a mile away.

This isn’t a bashing, but a thank you. I’m happy about everything I’ve experienced. Although the relationships ended, I’m a better person because all of you have been in my life. You all changed me in a way that my expectations will never be in danger of being compromised again. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Mia

I Think: Honesty

By: Mia L. Hazlett
2/5/13

How do you get through it…divorce that is? Honesty. You have to be honest with yourself and the role you played in the demise of the happiness that once existed between you and your spouse. The most honest thing I can say about my marriage as a Christian, it was not God’s plan, it was mine. All mine. I wanted to get married because I was pregnant. All three of us were going to have the same last name. It’s as simple as that. I got married for a last name, which is now, not the last name I use.

It wasn’t just some magical idea that popped in my head when I found out I was pregnant. This was the way I was raised; you marry the father of your children. It wasn’t even something I gave a second thought. However, I hold myself completely responsible for not investigating if he was raised with the same values. It was unprotected sex, prior to truly getting to know the important details about this person.

Therefore, we got married and had another daughter. That’s when my reality began to sink in that we were incompatible. Unfortunately, when you’re stubborn and bullheaded, it’s not your fault, it’s theirs. I patted myself on the back for being flawless, all the while waiting for him to change so he could be perfect like me. Unbelievably, it never happened. Somehow, my perfection wasn’t contagious, and I was falling out of love and no longer liked this imperfect stranger in my house.

At this point, close to four years separated, I accept that person for who he is. I’ve learned that God doesn’t make mistakes, humans do. Who he is, is who he is. Who I am, is who I am. He didn’t need to change to make me happy. I didn’t need to change to make him happy. We needed to stay true and honest to who we were. I chose to follow my heart and my plan to make things happily ever after…well that didn’t work so much. But as for staying with the honesty thing, we sure did make two beautiful daughters.

I Think: It’s OVER!

By: Mia L. Hazlett

2/1/13

 Divorce.  It’s a common word.  Telling people you are divorced or going through a divorce, really doesn’t raise any eyebrows these days.  It’s common enough that it falls out of the mouths of children with ease.  “Yeah, my parents are divorced.  No biggie.  I see my mom.  I see my dad.  My grandparents are divorced too,” I heard one of my daughter’s friend explain to her.  My daughter remained silent as the group gathered up their bikes and peddled off to the playground.

I believe she was silent, because I don’t treat divorce as if it is nothing.  I want her to find marriage commonplace, not divorce.  It’s 100 times as hard to do this since her father and I have been separated for the past almost four years, and I’ve finally found peace and closure, so I can move towards divorce.

When we first separated, I was filled with so much anger and hatred, but as the custodial parent and basically the sole provider for my family, I didn’t have time to wallow in my circumstances.  I embarked on a tumultuous journey of hardship and loss, which led to over two years of depending on my parents and BFF for life’s basic essentials.

Now that I’ve found employment and have my own place, I’ve now been able to deal with me.  The past few years has been all about finding employment, taking care of my children, and getting us our own house.  This is the first time I’ve been able to breathe and depend on some sort of regularity in my life. 

Only those really close to me know the battle I’ve had about filing for divorce.  One, because they’ve walked in my shoes.  Two, they’ve prayed for our reconciliation, but now understand they want what’s best for me, since they’ve finally gotten to see the old me and meet the new me.  Three, they don’t devalue my feelings as to why this was a hard decision.  They’ve never discredited why I would want to try to rekindle a marriage with a man, who for the past four years has been living with and is engaged to another thing (sorry, not a big fan of things that accept proposals from married men – I’m a work in progress), while his family has suffered against poverty and homelessness. 

My blog, Mommy Not Friend, www.jandmpublishingcompany.com, looks at how I am raising my daughters to be virtuous women in the midst of this separation and divorce process.  However, I started that blog last year, at the beginning of my peace.  I wanted to vent, convey, chronicle, and let go, of what this divorce is putting my family and me through here, because I began writing on this blog when there were still moments of happiness in my marriage.

I Think: Unspoken Expectations

Relationships, relationships, relationships. I have not met one man or woman since I was a teen, that wasn’t looking to get into one, was already in one, or trying to get out of one.  But ultimately, every adult I know has been in one of these situations. 

Now it’s been a while since I’ve posted, so I’ll give you an update on my relationship.  I’m currently separated and headed for divorce after an eleven year relationship and five-year marriage.  You’ll see from past posts that this was not an overnight decision, but ultimately one that is the healthiest for me and my daughters.  So at this point in my life, I had to ask myself, why did I get married…again?  That’s right, this is my second. 

I had to ask myself two questions.  Questions I kick myself now for not asking before becoming a bride…twice!  But I can’t change my past, I can only learn from the lessons and pass on the knowledge gained.  Question #1: What is my expectation of my husband’s role in my household/marriage/relationship?  Question #2: What is my expectation of my role in my household/marriage/relationship? 

Answer #1:  My king, will be the provider, the leader, and the protector. Now understand I didn’t become saved until I was two years into my marriage, so what I seek in God now, was what I expected of whoever I ended up with.  I expected him to provide for my household, financially, emotionally, and later on spiritually.  I wanted him to be the leader of our household.  I would look to him to set the tone of the household in which our family would follow.  And he would be the protector.  I could rely on him unquestionably when it came to the physical, emotional, and financial security of our home. 

Answer #2: I expected that I would be the nurturer, supporter, and strength of my household.  It would be my job to take care of the household and raise the children under the tone that had been set by my husband.  Support and strength go hand in hand with me, so I expected that no matter what we faced as a family or individuals within the family; it was my job to provide the stability and strength of what my husband would lead us through and protect us from. 

As I answered my questions, I came to realize my fault in my marriage, one which could have saved me and my husbands a lot of time. I never told them what I expected of them.  I mean look at it this way: you apply for a job, get the interview, get the job, and go in on your first day.  Imagine that when you sit down at your new desk, your new boss tells you to get to work.  The problem is you never once received a job description and your boss never read your resume.  You start working with the hope that you are doing what you were hired to do.  

Now the fault falls on both. You, for getting all this way without asking your boss what was expected of you to do your job.  And it also falls on your boss, for assuming that you knew how to do everything, without reading your resume.  So at this point, your already hired and they don’t want to hunt for another candidate, so they are willing to train you.  You have already prepared yourself for this new job, maybe even left your old one for this one, so you decide to give it your best shot.   Ultimately you get fired or resign, because they can only spend so much on training and you just don’t have the interest or skill set to achieve what is now being expected of you. 

Now I sent these same questions out to people on my email list.  Two men and six women responded.  The age span was from 27-57.   Relationship status: single, married, divorced, co-habitating.  Education: HS diploma – Master’s. Race: Black.  Employment: All employed within their trained career. 

Now all except one aligned their answers with the Bible. They viewed the man as the head, leader, provider, and protector of the household and the woman as the supporter, nurturer, helpmate, and to play a more submissive role.  All agreed that the roles are equally important.  As I read these, I had to think, are all these relationships successful?  I mean if the conversations are being had and the expectations are being set before, marriage/moving in/kids/wasted years, is it safe to assume that all these people have found their soulmates?  And most importantly, if the conversations are being held and expectations are being set, has the other person accepted the responsibility?

Because I don’t know all of the people surveyed, I can’t say for sure that they haven’t found happily ever after.  But for the two girlfriends I do know, one divorced, one co-habitating; the expectations went unspoken.  Now the one that is divorced, like me lesson learned. Because now her expectations are very verbal at the on-set, and no deviating or your gone.  Cut-throat? No. Just looking for the most qualified candidate.  May require a seminar or two, but there will be no micro-management necessary.  My other girlfriend still has yet to have the conversation two years and a son into the relationship.  Now here, there is excessisve micro-management, intensive seminars, and improvement plan after improvement plan with no end in sight. 

My advice, if you are single and have answered these questions,  don’t deviate, but do prepare yourself to have this conversation in your next serious relationship.  If you are in a relationship/marriage and haven’t had this conversation, have it.  You will know by the answers if you have found your soulmate.  If you choose to keep these answers to yourself, don’t get mad at the person your with because they are not living up to your unspoken expectations.

What I know about: Deliberate Parenting

A few weeks ago, at the request of my six year old I spent 2 weeknights in church. (Who can argue with a six year old who begs to go to church!) They had kids life camp activities in the Sunday school and they brought in this couple to talk  to the parents. Being a single mom, I groaned.  The last thing I wanted to hear was some couple telling me about how perfect their family was.  But to my delight couple talked about all kinds of things, including how no family is perfect,  and they mentioned this one thing about being deliberate in your parenting that really stuck with me.

It got me to thinking about all of the things that I do deliberately to keep my family close, and my sanity in tact.

Sanity

• Girls night out At least once a month I go out, at night with friends, and no kids. We go dancing or out to a restaurant that does not have weird things hanging on the wall, or a playground.
• Exercise With the girls playing and the dogs barking I slip on my headphones for 15-20 minutes and get on the exercise machine that I recently moved into the game room. The tap me on my leg, and stare at me while I am doing it but, there is usually nothing that they need in that few minutes that I can’t do while sweating to the old school (usually Beastie Boys or KRS One)
• Sleep My friends may laugh and call me old, but my kids have a bed time, and so do I. If I am not in the bed with the covers on by 10:00 I am not a happy camper. I am pretty adamant about getting my 8 hours.

Family

• We have fun together We do crazy things like have random spontaneous talent contests in the living room, and take crazy road trips. We laugh so hard when we are together you would thing there is something wrong with us. Last week, we set up a rock band in the living room. With a inflatable guitar, a teddy bear on drums and sunglasses for everyone. My teen was the band manager, she ran the ipod dock, picked our music, and named the band… We are officially called “The Lames”
• We talk I mentioned this in a post last month. We talk about everything, hard things, funny things, nothing at all. If we have an issue we discuss it. We talk about faith, and television, music… just whatever.
• We actively love each other I remind them very often of their strengths, not only their beauty, but their intelligence, and talent. We hug and kiss and are very affectionate. This was a bit hard for me at first, because I did not grow up in a family where affection was the norm. Hell, my dad shook my hand at the airport once when I came home from college. It was actually my oldest daughter that forced me to become more affectionate. She has always been very hugg-y and kiss-y so at some point I just decided to love on her as much as she does me. My little one is more like me, not naturally affectionate, but I smother her with kisses on a daily basis anyway. It is not strange to hear I love you mom, or I love you baby shouted across my house between commercials, or on the way out to play.

The couple that spoke at the church offered some other ideas,  that I thought were good,  like using you calendar to schedule time as a family, and buying a joke book, and entertaining the kids at dinner with your really bad jokes. Of course, the also offered their family activity kit for sale, but who’s to blame them, they do have 4 kids and they have to make a living.

No matter what you do, and how you choose to tackle it, I think if you just decide what is important to you as a parent and deliberately and consistently share those values with your children, then your family will evolve into exactly what you want it to be.

Buddies?

Buddies?
By: Mia Black
3/31/08

Where have all the adults gone? I ask this question after speaking with my husband about the teachers of today. It may sound a bit old fashion, but I remember my teacher wearing a skirt or loose fitting “slacks”, short-cut hair or pulled back or up, some make-up, and at least twenty to thirty year difference in age. Never did my teacher dress like me or talk like me. And never could I read about one of my classmates sleeping with one of them.

Now I will say me and my husband stand on different ends of the spectrum when it comes to the problems with todays at-risk youth. He and I both look at the parent, but I put most of the responsibility on the child. I believe every child must be held accountable for their actions. But it was amazing to me today that we both finally agreed on something. Today’s teachers have become younger, hipper, and entered the “buddy” zone.

This is not the first time that I have heard this either. On radio stations and talk shows, parents and teachers have talked that it is harder to reach today’s youth. So in trying to reach them “you have to speak their language” or “you almost have to dress like them with the throwbacks and the hoodies”. I’m sorry, but at what low point did we hit in society, that our kids now need their teachers to be their friends too? It is my belief that many of these at risk youths already have suffered from their parent/s being their friend/s and now they are being subjected to yet another “adult” trying to play buddy. I mean honestly, we are living in a society in which it is not odd to read about yet another teacher sleeping with their student or a student’s life is over because they killed their teacher’s spouse in a jealous rage.

I’m not saying it is easy to teach our at-risk youth by any means. But my husband visited a classroom today and asked a student to remove his hat. The student refused and continued to talk to his friend. My husband didn’t yell, scream, or cause a scene, but explained to the student, that if he wanted to be viewed as a man, than he would have to remove his hat. He explained that men remove their hats before they enter a building and pointed to his hat that was in the corner with his coat. The student told him, nobody had ever put it that way before and removed his hat. My husband didn’t try and speak his language, or keep his hat on just to fit in. He set an example and allowed the student to follow.

My point is children need adult role models. It may seem easier to throw on the hoodie or the lycra pants. It may seem easier to call them dawg or slip into their slang, but how is that going to get them the interview for the job that will someday support their family? How will they know to take their hat off before they enter a building, if their teacher has chosen the peer route, instead of the adult route? I do agree that children want a peer when it comes to their teacher or parent for that matter, but it is not what they need.