Category Archives: adults

The Other Side

Mia LNature_Mountains_Snow-capped_mountains_on_the_horizon_030168_. Hazlett

After 7 years of separation and battling the courts for a simple court date, my storm ended last week.  While our eighteen year relationship will continue, our twelve year marriage came to an end.

Throughout the years of our separation it has been a constant emotional storm for me.  I’m not the person who stays friends with the ex.  It’s not who I am.  If we’re over, we’re over.  I have enough friends in my life; I don’t need to start adding exes to that list.

But this guy.  I’m stuck with this guy.  We have two beautiful daughters together and every Sunday for a few hours, he shows up.  For birthday parties and Christmas, he’s there.  That’s how co-parenting works.  That’s how the love for our children works.  And we do love our children.  Because we love them, we even attempted reconciliation for a few months here and there. But I realized I had moved on in my life.  God was moving me forwards, not backwards.

The misconception that many people have is that divorce is easy.  It’s not.  Even though we’ve had years of separation, we’ve also been a part of each others’ lives for almost two decades.  I get it; there are a massive amount of couples who have to have a strict court order in able to function through the parenting aspect of the relationship.

We didn’t want a court to dictate the relationship with our children or with each other for that matter.  We sat next to each other laughing and joking in the courtroom. We battled emotions and discussed not going through with it, but I thought God finally put me here after 7 years.  We stood outside for an hour after being evacuated for a bomb scare.  We both shared the same feeling, “maybe this is a sign.”

It wasn’t.  We returned to the courtroom and our 12 years ended in less than 10 minutes.  It was heartbreaking, and I allowed my heart to break for a week.  But then I shut down the pity party and began making plans for THE OTHER SIDE.

© 2016 Mia L. Hazlett

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Birds of a Feather…

By: Mia L. Hazlett
11/6/14

flock of migrating canada geese birdsThere’s this woman I know.  We’ve been through it all together.  I believe that is the reason God has not only put her in my life, but has kept her in my life for over 20 years.  We’ve walked in each other’s shoes.  Our lives are so similar, it’s scary.

Over the past two days our lives have been turned upside down.  Not because a mutual event has rocked us, but because somehow we are both dealing with circumstances beyond our control.

We are two amazing women who fell in love, got married and started families.  I’m not saying it was in that exact order, but you get the point.  Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, the love and marriage fell off, but our children remained.

We were suddenly thrust into the role of raising our children by ourselves.   Continue reading Birds of a Feather…

Baggage, Baggage, Baggage…Not!

461322101_140Baggage, Baggage, Baggage…Not!
By: Mia L. Hazlett
8/4/14

There comes a time after the dust has settled after separation/divorce, when dating enters the equation.  For me, I needed to know whom I wanted, before I proceeded down this slippery slope.  I had never dated with kids before.  I remember talking to one of my friends and she was surprised I was looking for a man who had been divorced and had kids.  “Why do you want someone with all that baggage?” she asked.

Continue reading Baggage, Baggage, Baggage…Not!

Building The Village

BUILDING YOUR VILLAGE SERIES
The First Week
By: Mia L. Hazlett
7/28/14
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“I really can’t remember. It was truly a blur. It is more of a reflective total, than it is remembering an exact feeling or moment.” That is pretty much my answer when people ask, “what was the first week like when you was separated from your husband?” You see we separated after living together for eight years. In that eight years, routine had been established for my household.

When life throws you a curve ball, routine still takes place. The kids still needed to go to daycare. I had to call into work and handle the unexpected. Procrastination had my house void of food, so grocery shopping definitely had to take place. That was just the beginning of the day. The evening routine rolled around and I had to pick the kids up from daycare. There was dinner, bath time, story time, and then bedtime. Finally, when I had put the kids to bed, I took some “process” time. All that meant is I cried myself to sleep.

Continue reading Building The Village

Build Your Village

By: Mia L. Hazlett

“I’m a strong independent black woman. I don’t need a man.” I spouted this ignorance to create a portrait of I’m not sure what, so many times. Not only am I unsure of my reasoning, but I honestly feel it was so others would think I had my shit together, when I didn’t. But I’ve come to discover, bravado is wonderful in the absence of humility.

I say this because it was a lie. At my weakest, I became dependent. I am not gay and want to be in a relationship, so therefore to do that I need a man. The funniest part about that saying, I’ve heard it said by tons of women, who are either in a relationship with a man or hunting for a man to be in a relationship with. Continue reading Build Your Village

Burnt Out

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When I have these weeks where I burn myself out, I have to remember where I was just four years ago. I used to say things like, “I would do anything to be busy or be late for something.” I was 15 months unemployed and wondering if I would ever be employed again.

Now I’m overbooked and running on empty. I never dreamed I would be raising my kids by myself. Don’t get me wrong, you know I’m a Village believer, and I have a wonderful Village that helps me out. But ultimately, when my alarm goes off at 4 am and my eyes just shut 4 hours before, it’s all me.

I guess my message is, reach out to those who love you more than you can love or even take care of yourself when you are ready to jump off that cliff. I reached out to my BFF yesterday, because I was ready to leap. I sent a quick text to her. I demand perfection from myself and now I was stretched at every end. Work was overwhelming, I had a term paper due and a final to study for, softball and sneaker shopping, and get this, my kids want dinner every night.

So, on 4 hours of sleep for the past 4 nights, my workday came to an end yesterday and I was ready to leave. I prepared for the next day, grabbed my jacket, pushed in my chair, shut the light off, and closed my office door. I forgot to walk through it before I closed it. It was dark. I was then at a stop light and the people behind me were honking their horns at me. One jerk came around my car and flipped me off. It wasn’t a stop light. It was a stop SIGN. I was waiting for it to turn green.

I started crying at that moment. I knew I was burnt out, but as any single mother knows, we schedule our pity parties into our free time. My commute is my free time. I was rushing, (late mind you and having my father pick my kids up) to my daughter’s softball game. By the time I sat at her game, I had been driving for 2 and a half hours. But, as Supermom, I couldn’t just watch her game, I had to study for my final too, so I pulled out my textbook and read at the same time.

Just in time, my BFF called when I was about to cry. My daughter’s coach said, “Good job Jazzy,” and I looked up in time to see her throw the ball in. I missed a play. BFF once again talked me off the cliff. My daughter stepped up to bat and we both cheered her on. I realized at that point, her godmother had attended every softball game too. She refuses to send child support, but I’m okay with that, as long as she continues to attend her games from 2000 miles away.

By the time I climbed into bed at 11 (because I was going to bed early) I had submitted my term paper, fed my kids, prepared for today, but I knew I had forgotten something. I forgot to eat. But I’m grateful. I’m not where I was four years ago.

Financial Stability, Not Financial Participation

By: Mia L. Hazlett
Date: 3/30/31
Gold digger
When I turned 40 this year, I reflected over the past four years. I had separated from my husband, embarked on a journey to start my life over as a single-income parent, endured over two years of unemployment and homelessness, and watched it come full circle through restoration. The one thing that remains, I am still single almost five years later.

The one thing where I’ve stayed steadfast, expectations. I have expectations for the next man who comes into my life. One of the major characteristics he must possess, financial stability. It’s funny because I’ve encountered some men who relate this to them having to come into my life and support my children and myself. One man could not simply pay for a quick dinner we met up to share. He had moved in with his friend and had no children in his household to support. For me, he was just not in a financially stable situation.

The other thing I’ve learned in dating, I keep things grown. No games. No secrets. You ask, I tell. He asked if we could see each other again and I said no because I don’t feel you are in a financial situation that will allow us to be compatible (maybe not those exact words, but you get the hint). He responded how he was not in dire straits and he was happy we weren’t going to see each other because he didn’t feel like supporting anyone.

I guess my question is, is it unreasonable to have a financial expectation of someone when looking to be in a long-term relationship? Is having an expectation of a checking and savings accounts, a gold-digging mindset?