Category Archives: single

No Time for Sick

By: Mia L. Hazlett
11/6/2014
sick
So about a month ago I thought I was having a heart attack. Seriously. My chest had a horrible squeezing pain and my breathing became strained. Most people would rush to 911 and get themselves to the nearest ER. As a single mother, that was not an option. I could still walk and talk, so I contemplated if I should go or wait until I got to work, I mean I do work for the emergency departments of one of Boston’s finest hospitals.

The pain worsened, so over the next hour I planned my trip to the hospital. I first called my daughters’ father. I always have and always will call him first to take care of his children if I cannot. He was at work and had to find coverage. I didn’t have that kind of time.

I called my cousins and didn’t get an answer. Then I called my brother. I held on to strength and tried not to cry as I told him I needed to go to the hospital. I went into the bedroom and told my girls to pack up their clothes and that their uncle was coming to get them. I then experienced a bittersweet moment. My oldest ordered her sister to pack her clothes, toothbrush, and to be sure she had her school stuff for the next day. I was proud I raised her to be so responsible, but saddened at the same time that she was the backup me. It’s not a child’s job to take care of her parent.

Continue reading No Time for Sick

Build Your Village

By: Mia L. Hazlett

“I’m a strong independent black woman. I don’t need a man.” I spouted this ignorance to create a portrait of I’m not sure what, so many times. Not only am I unsure of my reasoning, but I honestly feel it was so others would think I had my shit together, when I didn’t. But I’ve come to discover, bravado is wonderful in the absence of humility.

I say this because it was a lie. At my weakest, I became dependent. I am not gay and want to be in a relationship, so therefore to do that I need a man. The funniest part about that saying, I’ve heard it said by tons of women, who are either in a relationship with a man or hunting for a man to be in a relationship with. Continue reading Build Your Village

Burnt Out

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When I have these weeks where I burn myself out, I have to remember where I was just four years ago. I used to say things like, “I would do anything to be busy or be late for something.” I was 15 months unemployed and wondering if I would ever be employed again.

Now I’m overbooked and running on empty. I never dreamed I would be raising my kids by myself. Don’t get me wrong, you know I’m a Village believer, and I have a wonderful Village that helps me out. But ultimately, when my alarm goes off at 4 am and my eyes just shut 4 hours before, it’s all me.

I guess my message is, reach out to those who love you more than you can love or even take care of yourself when you are ready to jump off that cliff. I reached out to my BFF yesterday, because I was ready to leap. I sent a quick text to her. I demand perfection from myself and now I was stretched at every end. Work was overwhelming, I had a term paper due and a final to study for, softball and sneaker shopping, and get this, my kids want dinner every night.

So, on 4 hours of sleep for the past 4 nights, my workday came to an end yesterday and I was ready to leave. I prepared for the next day, grabbed my jacket, pushed in my chair, shut the light off, and closed my office door. I forgot to walk through it before I closed it. It was dark. I was then at a stop light and the people behind me were honking their horns at me. One jerk came around my car and flipped me off. It wasn’t a stop light. It was a stop SIGN. I was waiting for it to turn green.

I started crying at that moment. I knew I was burnt out, but as any single mother knows, we schedule our pity parties into our free time. My commute is my free time. I was rushing, (late mind you and having my father pick my kids up) to my daughter’s softball game. By the time I sat at her game, I had been driving for 2 and a half hours. But, as Supermom, I couldn’t just watch her game, I had to study for my final too, so I pulled out my textbook and read at the same time.

Just in time, my BFF called when I was about to cry. My daughter’s coach said, “Good job Jazzy,” and I looked up in time to see her throw the ball in. I missed a play. BFF once again talked me off the cliff. My daughter stepped up to bat and we both cheered her on. I realized at that point, her godmother had attended every softball game too. She refuses to send child support, but I’m okay with that, as long as she continues to attend her games from 2000 miles away.

By the time I climbed into bed at 11 (because I was going to bed early) I had submitted my term paper, fed my kids, prepared for today, but I knew I had forgotten something. I forgot to eat. But I’m grateful. I’m not where I was four years ago.

Financial Stability, Not Financial Participation

By: Mia L. Hazlett
Date: 3/30/31
Gold digger
When I turned 40 this year, I reflected over the past four years. I had separated from my husband, embarked on a journey to start my life over as a single-income parent, endured over two years of unemployment and homelessness, and watched it come full circle through restoration. The one thing that remains, I am still single almost five years later.

The one thing where I’ve stayed steadfast, expectations. I have expectations for the next man who comes into my life. One of the major characteristics he must possess, financial stability. It’s funny because I’ve encountered some men who relate this to them having to come into my life and support my children and myself. One man could not simply pay for a quick dinner we met up to share. He had moved in with his friend and had no children in his household to support. For me, he was just not in a financially stable situation.

The other thing I’ve learned in dating, I keep things grown. No games. No secrets. You ask, I tell. He asked if we could see each other again and I said no because I don’t feel you are in a financial situation that will allow us to be compatible (maybe not those exact words, but you get the hint). He responded how he was not in dire straits and he was happy we weren’t going to see each other because he didn’t feel like supporting anyone.

I guess my question is, is it unreasonable to have a financial expectation of someone when looking to be in a long-term relationship? Is having an expectation of a checking and savings accounts, a gold-digging mindset?

Things to Do in the MEantime

By: Mia L. Hazlett

10/5/13

There is a MEantime that exist while I wait for The Next.  Life must continue and I’ve gotten to the point that I must continue to work on me and continue to become the woman I want to be when I grow up.  Deep down in my soul, I know I have not even reached a fraction of who God has created me to be.  I wake up at 4 before the sun rises.  In mere weeks, I will be coming home after the sun has come down.  I run myself frantic during the day getting my work done in a windowless 8×6 room for eight hours.

That’s not what my life has come down to.  It’s a wonderful job that has exposed me to wonderful people and a network worth knowing in life, but it’s not it for me.  My passion is writing.  That’s what I need to nurture.  That’s what is going to make me whole.  It won’t matter who The Next is, if I feel unfulfilled in this area of my life.  I’ve finally gotten to the point in my life where I know my happiness is my responsibility.  A man is not going to make me happy, writing, my God given gift, will.

That is not to say I am some lone warrior who wants to conquer the rest of my life alone.  But I’ve become  extremely selective about who gets to where The Next title.  Call me arrogant or hung up on myself, but I have expectations that I will not lower.  For instance, I grabbed a bite to eat the other night with a guy I used to see.  It wasn’t a date, it was meeting up after work.  Everything went well until  bill time came. I went to the bathroom and upon my return, the waitress was handing his card back saying there were insufficient funds.  I giggled to myself, because throughout my sporadic dating, I always ask God for a sign.  I didn’t even ask for a sign this time.

Throughout this dinner, this kind man had mentioned how he wanted to be in a serious relationship,  how that is what he was ready for in his life right now.  I thought that was a very bold statement.  Up until now, I had only heard how they weren’t ready for anything serious.  He did end up paying for the meal somehow, and we spent an awkward ten minutes at the table, he stating the reason for his finances and me wondering how I could be a single mother with two kids, have paid all my bills in the past week, and still have afforded this meal ten times over?

I didn’t hear from him for about four days and when he did send a text, he was asking when he could see me next.  I was honest and told him I doubt it would happen.  At this point in my life I needed someone who was financially stable and capable of taking me out for a quick bite to eat after work.  I told him that I come with kids, and one day we would all be out to eat.  He proceeded to call me a gold digger and tell me he wasn’t looking to support anyone and that he was not hurting for money by any means.  Okay.

I was hurt that he thought of me as a gold digger, so I went to a knowledgeable source of she who knows everything, my BFF.  She told me I should have responded “me too.”  She relayed that I knew the situation, no matter what he told me.  I would be in a situation of supporting this man who did not have his finances where mine were and I should not feel bad about it.  It was a short lived guilt.  I can’t waiver from my expectations.  I can’t fall short of who God wants me to become.  And if I’ve learned anything in life, lowered expectations are no longer an option.

To the Next

By: Mia Hazlett
4/11/13

Hello,

We have yet to meet.  God has been working on me, as well as on you.  Let me tell you, He had a lot of work to do.  He first had me deal with undesirable life circumstances.  It was the best thing He could have ever done both for me and for you.

You see, to deal with my marital separation, my transition from two-parent income to one, homelessness of over two years, unemployment for the same length, led me to define who I am today.  Not only do I know who I’ve become, but I’m secure in being this incredible woman.

So how does this benefit you as well?  I’ve dealt with my past and left it there.  You don’t have to compete with my past, because I’ve refused to allow it to become my present and have taken the lessons, to avoid it repeating itself in the future.

I’ve also waited for you.  I did not rush to find someone to fill a sudden void and dishonor my faith.   I waited patiently on God, and asked Him to craft you for me, for He knows me better than I know myself.  Not only does he know the desires of my heart, but he knows who is best for me.  He has restored my heart to love freely again, because there are no past burdens that I continue to carry.

I’m happy I waited for you.  You are an honest man of God, integrity, and value.  I have an unwavering faith that God made you for me and me for you.

With Love, Respect, and Appreciation,

Mia

I Think: Unspoken Expectations

Relationships, relationships, relationships. I have not met one man or woman since I was a teen, that wasn’t looking to get into one, was already in one, or trying to get out of one.  But ultimately, every adult I know has been in one of these situations. 

Now it’s been a while since I’ve posted, so I’ll give you an update on my relationship.  I’m currently separated and headed for divorce after an eleven year relationship and five-year marriage.  You’ll see from past posts that this was not an overnight decision, but ultimately one that is the healthiest for me and my daughters.  So at this point in my life, I had to ask myself, why did I get married…again?  That’s right, this is my second. 

I had to ask myself two questions.  Questions I kick myself now for not asking before becoming a bride…twice!  But I can’t change my past, I can only learn from the lessons and pass on the knowledge gained.  Question #1: What is my expectation of my husband’s role in my household/marriage/relationship?  Question #2: What is my expectation of my role in my household/marriage/relationship? 

Answer #1:  My king, will be the provider, the leader, and the protector. Now understand I didn’t become saved until I was two years into my marriage, so what I seek in God now, was what I expected of whoever I ended up with.  I expected him to provide for my household, financially, emotionally, and later on spiritually.  I wanted him to be the leader of our household.  I would look to him to set the tone of the household in which our family would follow.  And he would be the protector.  I could rely on him unquestionably when it came to the physical, emotional, and financial security of our home. 

Answer #2: I expected that I would be the nurturer, supporter, and strength of my household.  It would be my job to take care of the household and raise the children under the tone that had been set by my husband.  Support and strength go hand in hand with me, so I expected that no matter what we faced as a family or individuals within the family; it was my job to provide the stability and strength of what my husband would lead us through and protect us from. 

As I answered my questions, I came to realize my fault in my marriage, one which could have saved me and my husbands a lot of time. I never told them what I expected of them.  I mean look at it this way: you apply for a job, get the interview, get the job, and go in on your first day.  Imagine that when you sit down at your new desk, your new boss tells you to get to work.  The problem is you never once received a job description and your boss never read your resume.  You start working with the hope that you are doing what you were hired to do.  

Now the fault falls on both. You, for getting all this way without asking your boss what was expected of you to do your job.  And it also falls on your boss, for assuming that you knew how to do everything, without reading your resume.  So at this point, your already hired and they don’t want to hunt for another candidate, so they are willing to train you.  You have already prepared yourself for this new job, maybe even left your old one for this one, so you decide to give it your best shot.   Ultimately you get fired or resign, because they can only spend so much on training and you just don’t have the interest or skill set to achieve what is now being expected of you. 

Now I sent these same questions out to people on my email list.  Two men and six women responded.  The age span was from 27-57.   Relationship status: single, married, divorced, co-habitating.  Education: HS diploma – Master’s. Race: Black.  Employment: All employed within their trained career. 

Now all except one aligned their answers with the Bible. They viewed the man as the head, leader, provider, and protector of the household and the woman as the supporter, nurturer, helpmate, and to play a more submissive role.  All agreed that the roles are equally important.  As I read these, I had to think, are all these relationships successful?  I mean if the conversations are being had and the expectations are being set before, marriage/moving in/kids/wasted years, is it safe to assume that all these people have found their soulmates?  And most importantly, if the conversations are being held and expectations are being set, has the other person accepted the responsibility?

Because I don’t know all of the people surveyed, I can’t say for sure that they haven’t found happily ever after.  But for the two girlfriends I do know, one divorced, one co-habitating; the expectations went unspoken.  Now the one that is divorced, like me lesson learned. Because now her expectations are very verbal at the on-set, and no deviating or your gone.  Cut-throat? No. Just looking for the most qualified candidate.  May require a seminar or two, but there will be no micro-management necessary.  My other girlfriend still has yet to have the conversation two years and a son into the relationship.  Now here, there is excessisve micro-management, intensive seminars, and improvement plan after improvement plan with no end in sight. 

My advice, if you are single and have answered these questions,  don’t deviate, but do prepare yourself to have this conversation in your next serious relationship.  If you are in a relationship/marriage and haven’t had this conversation, have it.  You will know by the answers if you have found your soulmate.  If you choose to keep these answers to yourself, don’t get mad at the person your with because they are not living up to your unspoken expectations.