Category Archives: marriage

The Other Side

Mia LNature_Mountains_Snow-capped_mountains_on_the_horizon_030168_. Hazlett

After 7 years of separation and battling the courts for a simple court date, my storm ended last week.  While our eighteen year relationship will continue, our twelve year marriage came to an end.

Throughout the years of our separation it has been a constant emotional storm for me.  I’m not the person who stays friends with the ex.  It’s not who I am.  If we’re over, we’re over.  I have enough friends in my life; I don’t need to start adding exes to that list.

But this guy.  I’m stuck with this guy.  We have two beautiful daughters together and every Sunday for a few hours, he shows up.  For birthday parties and Christmas, he’s there.  That’s how co-parenting works.  That’s how the love for our children works.  And we do love our children.  Because we love them, we even attempted reconciliation for a few months here and there. But I realized I had moved on in my life.  God was moving me forwards, not backwards.

The misconception that many people have is that divorce is easy.  It’s not.  Even though we’ve had years of separation, we’ve also been a part of each others’ lives for almost two decades.  I get it; there are a massive amount of couples who have to have a strict court order in able to function through the parenting aspect of the relationship.

We didn’t want a court to dictate the relationship with our children or with each other for that matter.  We sat next to each other laughing and joking in the courtroom. We battled emotions and discussed not going through with it, but I thought God finally put me here after 7 years.  We stood outside for an hour after being evacuated for a bomb scare.  We both shared the same feeling, “maybe this is a sign.”

It wasn’t.  We returned to the courtroom and our 12 years ended in less than 10 minutes.  It was heartbreaking, and I allowed my heart to break for a week.  But then I shut down the pity party and began making plans for THE OTHER SIDE.

© 2016 Mia L. Hazlett

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Build Your Village

By: Mia L. Hazlett

“I’m a strong independent black woman. I don’t need a man.” I spouted this ignorance to create a portrait of I’m not sure what, so many times. Not only am I unsure of my reasoning, but I honestly feel it was so others would think I had my shit together, when I didn’t. But I’ve come to discover, bravado is wonderful in the absence of humility.

I say this because it was a lie. At my weakest, I became dependent. I am not gay and want to be in a relationship, so therefore to do that I need a man. The funniest part about that saying, I’ve heard it said by tons of women, who are either in a relationship with a man or hunting for a man to be in a relationship with. Continue reading Build Your Village

What I Didn’t Say About Life In An Intimacy Free Marriage

I have to admit that, in general I enjoyed the conversation I had last night with  five strangers about the bad things that happen to your previously active sex life after you get married.

Honestly for most of my marriage the sex was fine. Both of us are generally pretty adventurous by nature so when I could get it, it was cool.

There were obvious things that got in the way like;

Continue reading What I Didn’t Say About Life In An Intimacy Free Marriage

I Think: Adultery

By: Mia L. Hazlett
2/24/2013

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7

One of the things I consider to be human nature is happiness. Ultimately we all want to be happy. We want happiness in our relationships (parental, marital, friendships, familial.) Basically, whoever is going to surround us on some consistent basis; we want to feel happy around them. We want happiness with our employment (our boss, colleagues, what we do, and the environment we do it in.) We want to be surrounded by happiness always.

Now you may be thinking of some people who are absolutely miserable. They are always negative and exude a toxicity which repels people from wanting to be around them. They want happiness too. There is a profound difference in not knowing how to be happy and not wanting to be happy. I have met plenty of people who don’t know how to be happy (I used to be one of them), but I have yet to meet someone who does not want happiness. The reason I know they want happiness; I deliver to them a utopia world, “If you could ask God for anything, what would it be?” Their response ultimately come down to what they believe would make them happy.

Now if you read what Matthew 7:7 says, God requires your participation. He tells you to do three specific things: Ask, Seek, and Knock. These are all action words. You are going to have to participate for this verse to be fulfilled – or not. You can choose to do nothing. But if you choose to do nothing, than expect to be given nothing, to find nothing, and for no doors to be open. For example, I hear people complain about how much they hate their jobs. “Are you looking for a new one?” They respond, “No.” No action. No results.

The one thing you must acknowledge when you request that God honor Matthew 7:7, is His Will. When we look at several verses in the Bible we must understand there is more to it than just asking, seeking, and knocking. God is not hanging around waiting to just give us anything we want. There is a list of commandments (Exodus 20:3-17,) that He wants us to keep in accordance to His Will for us. It states in Deuteronomy 10:12-13, “what does the lord your God ask of you…observe lord’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good.” There is a lot that is said in those verses of both Exodus and Deuteronomy that can have a direct effect on what you are asking, seeking, and, knocking for. For Exodus 20 3-17 gives you God’s commandments and then Deuteronomy 10:12-13 tells you to “observe” them. In other translations it says, “keep” or “obey,” but ultimately God’s Will wants you to follow His commandments.

But I want you to really examine the last line stated in Deuteronomy 10:13, “…for your own good.” God wants us to obey His commandments for our own good. So although you may actually take action and ask, seek, and knock, don’t become frustrated when it is not given, found, or opened. Because two things could be taking place, what you’re asking for, seeking, or the door you’re knocking on, may lead you to disobey God’s commandments or cause someone else to. Or it may not be for your own good. Because we are reminded about asking for things selfishly through James 4:3 “You ask and do not receive because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your own pleasure.”

For example, can you ask God to bless your fornication with a married man/woman? Isn’t the husband/wife commanded not to commit adultery and you not to covet your neighbor’s house? Now if you do end up with what you want, know it was not out of God’s will for the husband/wife to commit adultery and for you to succeed in coveting your neighbor’s husband/wife. That is man’s free will to disobey God’s commandment, not God coming down and blessing your union. So how could God allow this dream of yours to come true? How, if you prayed for the demise of your lover’s marriage and now you have them to yourself, could this not be a blessing from God? It’s because you can’t see on the other side of that door you are knocking on. Your presence in this marriage could be well known by your lover’s spouse and the spouse is asking for God’s blessing to end the marriage. There could be a wife or husband full of God and seeking God’s Will to bless them with joy and happiness again. Because as stated before; we all want happiness. God will bless a divorce through Matthew 5:32 “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT for marital unfaithfulness…” There is a blessing that took place through your adulterous relationship, but it is not yours to claim although you knocked. So make sure you know who’s opening the doors for you, because the devil’s temptation may look like your dream come true.

All biblical quotes are from the New International Version Bible (Copyright 1984)

I Think: Honesty

By: Mia L. Hazlett
2/5/13

How do you get through it…divorce that is? Honesty. You have to be honest with yourself and the role you played in the demise of the happiness that once existed between you and your spouse. The most honest thing I can say about my marriage as a Christian, it was not God’s plan, it was mine. All mine. I wanted to get married because I was pregnant. All three of us were going to have the same last name. It’s as simple as that. I got married for a last name, which is now, not the last name I use.

It wasn’t just some magical idea that popped in my head when I found out I was pregnant. This was the way I was raised; you marry the father of your children. It wasn’t even something I gave a second thought. However, I hold myself completely responsible for not investigating if he was raised with the same values. It was unprotected sex, prior to truly getting to know the important details about this person.

Therefore, we got married and had another daughter. That’s when my reality began to sink in that we were incompatible. Unfortunately, when you’re stubborn and bullheaded, it’s not your fault, it’s theirs. I patted myself on the back for being flawless, all the while waiting for him to change so he could be perfect like me. Unbelievably, it never happened. Somehow, my perfection wasn’t contagious, and I was falling out of love and no longer liked this imperfect stranger in my house.

At this point, close to four years separated, I accept that person for who he is. I’ve learned that God doesn’t make mistakes, humans do. Who he is, is who he is. Who I am, is who I am. He didn’t need to change to make me happy. I didn’t need to change to make him happy. We needed to stay true and honest to who we were. I chose to follow my heart and my plan to make things happily ever after…well that didn’t work so much. But as for staying with the honesty thing, we sure did make two beautiful daughters.

I Think: It’s OVER!

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By: Mia L. Hazlett

2/1/13

 Divorce.  It’s a common word.  Telling people you are divorced or going through a divorce, really doesn’t raise any eyebrows these days.  It’s common enough that it falls out of the mouths of children with ease.  “Yeah, my parents are divorced.  No biggie.  I see my mom.  I see my dad.  My grandparents are divorced too,” I heard one of my daughter’s friend explain to her.  My daughter remained silent as the group gathered up their bikes and peddled off to the playground.

I believe she was silent, because I don’t treat divorce as if it is nothing.  I want her to find marriage commonplace, not divorce.  It’s 100 times as hard to do this since her father and I have been separated for the past almost four years, and I’ve finally found peace and closure, so I can move towards divorce.

When we first separated, I was filled with so much anger and hatred, but as the custodial parent and basically the sole provider for my family, I didn’t have time to wallow in my circumstances.  I embarked on a tumultuous journey of hardship and loss, which led to over two years of depending on my parents and BFF for life’s basic essentials.

Now that I’ve found employment and have my own place, I’ve now been able to deal with me.  The past few years has been all about finding employment, taking care of my children, and getting us our own house.  This is the first time I’ve been able to breathe and depend on some sort of regularity in my life. 

Only those really close to me know the battle I’ve had about filing for divorce.  One, because they’ve walked in my shoes.  Two, they’ve prayed for our reconciliation, but now understand they want what’s best for me, since they’ve finally gotten to see the old me and meet the new me.  Three, they don’t devalue my feelings as to why this was a hard decision.  They’ve never discredited why I would want to try to rekindle a marriage with a man, who for the past four years has been living with and is engaged to another thing (sorry, not a big fan of things that accept proposals from married men – I’m a work in progress), while his family has suffered against poverty and homelessness. 

My blog, Mommy Not Friend, www.jandmpublishingcompany.com, looks at how I am raising my daughters to be virtuous women in the midst of this separation and divorce process.  However, I started that blog last year, at the beginning of my peace.  I wanted to vent, convey, chronicle, and let go, of what this divorce is putting my family and me through here, because I began writing on this blog when there were still moments of happiness in my marriage.

What I know about: Shaking The Tree

ImageLet me start by saying I have total respect for the stay at home mom or dad. The one that works hard to make sure the house is always in good order, the kids are well nourished and the community is better off for having his or her time spent on them. Their family has sacrificed a paycheck and comforts to have him/her working for the family. Her presence is most likely saving money in daycare, gas and groceries.

I also have respect for the kept significant other. His/her spouse makes so much money there is no need for a second income. Good for you, you hit the jackpot, now keep the body tight and take care of that sugar momma right.

But what I keep running into and am having trouble respecting are the men and women who think they have the right to live the kept woman life without the kept woman work.  Note I will be using gender interchangeably through this post, because everybody seems to be doing it.

Mr. A loves his wife, but some days it seems like she hates him. She is always so mad, and stressed. They started essentially in the same place because of a series of bad decisions on his part she is now the breadwinner of the house, and he is proud of her for it. He always tells people how great she is.  He does his part; he takes out the garbage, gets the kids up  in the morning, and he deposits his check into the account just like she does. It seems like she takes out cash whenever she wants, trips to the beach with the kids, ice cream on Sunday afternoons and it seems like she gets her hair done every few months. So he put money in, he should be able to take out whatever he wants to, right? It is our money right?

Ms. B Is tired of her man and father of her child. They have been together for years, he was married for 10-plus years, but that divorce has been final for a while. He is always upset with her for something. Either just because she didn’t cook or he doesn’t have any clean clothes. He is just getting too comfortable in this relationship and he shouldn’t expect she is just going to stay around and take this. He thinks just because he bought the house, and this little car that she doesn’t even really like she should just be happy. She is home almost all day with the kid, and only gets like one maybe two days off a week. It would be different if he would just marry her.

Mr. A and Ms. B Your relationships, your home should be a safe place for your family. Everyone who lives there should feel comfortable. Everyone in the house also has to do their part, so that the burden doesn’t rest on just one person. Relationships work best when they are 100/100 not 50/50. You both have to give 100% effort or someone is going to feel cheated. Perhaps that man won’t marry you, and that woman feels resentful because they don’t feel comfortable, safe or valued at home.

If one person is the money maker, then it’s fair that one is the home maker. If the financial is even then the household duties should be even. Keep in mind that the more money you make at work, usually the more stress and pressure you have at work. Companies compensate you for your talent and level of investment in the company.

If you keep shaking that little money tree it’s going to break, fall on you and crush you flat. You either need to figure out either how to support your tree with food water and sunlight, or grow right next to your tree so you can support each other.