Category Archives: friends

Birds of a Feather…

By: Mia L. Hazlett
11/6/14

flock of migrating canada geese birdsThere’s this woman I know.  We’ve been through it all together.  I believe that is the reason God has not only put her in my life, but has kept her in my life for over 20 years.  We’ve walked in each other’s shoes.  Our lives are so similar, it’s scary.

Over the past two days our lives have been turned upside down.  Not because a mutual event has rocked us, but because somehow we are both dealing with circumstances beyond our control.

We are two amazing women who fell in love, got married and started families.  I’m not saying it was in that exact order, but you get the point.  Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, the love and marriage fell off, but our children remained.

We were suddenly thrust into the role of raising our children by ourselves.   Continue reading Birds of a Feather…

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Build Your Village

By: Mia L. Hazlett

“I’m a strong independent black woman. I don’t need a man.” I spouted this ignorance to create a portrait of I’m not sure what, so many times. Not only am I unsure of my reasoning, but I honestly feel it was so others would think I had my shit together, when I didn’t. But I’ve come to discover, bravado is wonderful in the absence of humility.

I say this because it was a lie. At my weakest, I became dependent. I am not gay and want to be in a relationship, so therefore to do that I need a man. The funniest part about that saying, I’ve heard it said by tons of women, who are either in a relationship with a man or hunting for a man to be in a relationship with. Continue reading Build Your Village

Done With the Jesus Thing

Enjoy hell

By: Mia L. Hazlett

That’s right, I’m done with the Jesus thing.  I haven’t done a very good job with it, so I’m through with thinking I can change all things and have complete control of everything and anyone that comes into my life, so I’m not going to waste any of my time or energy trying to change the impossible.

I would love to turn water into wine.  It hasn’t happened.  I just look crazy and end up disappointed.  Apparently, I have not been blessed with that special ability. In accepting that I will have to pay for wine, I’ve also accepted I can’t change people, only myself.  I spoke the other night to one of my BFF’s friends.  He was having relationship issues, so he unloaded his problem and sought advice to his situation.  He is a preacher who puts God first always.  Over the past six months, Sunday was the day he and his girlfriend shared to worship God together.  She considered it their day.  He considered it a day he spent at church worshiping God.  This particular Sunday, he decided to bring in a friend who was in need of a church home.  He had spoken to him over the past few weeks and his friend was on the verge of suicide.  He informed his girlfriend his friend was joining them and she was upset that he invited someone to church without informing her first.

It seemed odd to me this woman who knew she was dating a preacher, was somehow upset he would bring someone in need of a church home to church.  He added a few other things he thought had changed about her over their relationship for the better, but was hoping she would continue to change in his favor.

The thing is, there are core behaviors in people, which form their character.  When we get to thinking we can change these behaviors and attempt to form them to the mold of the person we want them to be, we are trying to play God.  We put so much effort into changing that person, just so we won’t be alone, that in the months or maybe even years we put into changing the wrong person for us, we could have found the right one.

Know who you are and who you want in your life and you will attract them.  If the wrong person comes first, know they are just that, the wrong person. Don’t waste your time or theirs trying to change them.  If you want wine, seek wine.  Don’t try to be Jesus and take some water and perform a miracle.  It’s not going to happen.

Things to Do in the MEantime

By: Mia L. Hazlett

10/5/13

There is a MEantime that exist while I wait for The Next.  Life must continue and I’ve gotten to the point that I must continue to work on me and continue to become the woman I want to be when I grow up.  Deep down in my soul, I know I have not even reached a fraction of who God has created me to be.  I wake up at 4 before the sun rises.  In mere weeks, I will be coming home after the sun has come down.  I run myself frantic during the day getting my work done in a windowless 8×6 room for eight hours.

That’s not what my life has come down to.  It’s a wonderful job that has exposed me to wonderful people and a network worth knowing in life, but it’s not it for me.  My passion is writing.  That’s what I need to nurture.  That’s what is going to make me whole.  It won’t matter who The Next is, if I feel unfulfilled in this area of my life.  I’ve finally gotten to the point in my life where I know my happiness is my responsibility.  A man is not going to make me happy, writing, my God given gift, will.

That is not to say I am some lone warrior who wants to conquer the rest of my life alone.  But I’ve become  extremely selective about who gets to where The Next title.  Call me arrogant or hung up on myself, but I have expectations that I will not lower.  For instance, I grabbed a bite to eat the other night with a guy I used to see.  It wasn’t a date, it was meeting up after work.  Everything went well until  bill time came. I went to the bathroom and upon my return, the waitress was handing his card back saying there were insufficient funds.  I giggled to myself, because throughout my sporadic dating, I always ask God for a sign.  I didn’t even ask for a sign this time.

Throughout this dinner, this kind man had mentioned how he wanted to be in a serious relationship,  how that is what he was ready for in his life right now.  I thought that was a very bold statement.  Up until now, I had only heard how they weren’t ready for anything serious.  He did end up paying for the meal somehow, and we spent an awkward ten minutes at the table, he stating the reason for his finances and me wondering how I could be a single mother with two kids, have paid all my bills in the past week, and still have afforded this meal ten times over?

I didn’t hear from him for about four days and when he did send a text, he was asking when he could see me next.  I was honest and told him I doubt it would happen.  At this point in my life I needed someone who was financially stable and capable of taking me out for a quick bite to eat after work.  I told him that I come with kids, and one day we would all be out to eat.  He proceeded to call me a gold digger and tell me he wasn’t looking to support anyone and that he was not hurting for money by any means.  Okay.

I was hurt that he thought of me as a gold digger, so I went to a knowledgeable source of she who knows everything, my BFF.  She told me I should have responded “me too.”  She relayed that I knew the situation, no matter what he told me.  I would be in a situation of supporting this man who did not have his finances where mine were and I should not feel bad about it.  It was a short lived guilt.  I can’t waiver from my expectations.  I can’t fall short of who God wants me to become.  And if I’ve learned anything in life, lowered expectations are no longer an option.

I Think: It’s OVER!

images

By: Mia L. Hazlett

2/1/13

 Divorce.  It’s a common word.  Telling people you are divorced or going through a divorce, really doesn’t raise any eyebrows these days.  It’s common enough that it falls out of the mouths of children with ease.  “Yeah, my parents are divorced.  No biggie.  I see my mom.  I see my dad.  My grandparents are divorced too,” I heard one of my daughter’s friend explain to her.  My daughter remained silent as the group gathered up their bikes and peddled off to the playground.

I believe she was silent, because I don’t treat divorce as if it is nothing.  I want her to find marriage commonplace, not divorce.  It’s 100 times as hard to do this since her father and I have been separated for the past almost four years, and I’ve finally found peace and closure, so I can move towards divorce.

When we first separated, I was filled with so much anger and hatred, but as the custodial parent and basically the sole provider for my family, I didn’t have time to wallow in my circumstances.  I embarked on a tumultuous journey of hardship and loss, which led to over two years of depending on my parents and BFF for life’s basic essentials.

Now that I’ve found employment and have my own place, I’ve now been able to deal with me.  The past few years has been all about finding employment, taking care of my children, and getting us our own house.  This is the first time I’ve been able to breathe and depend on some sort of regularity in my life. 

Only those really close to me know the battle I’ve had about filing for divorce.  One, because they’ve walked in my shoes.  Two, they’ve prayed for our reconciliation, but now understand they want what’s best for me, since they’ve finally gotten to see the old me and meet the new me.  Three, they don’t devalue my feelings as to why this was a hard decision.  They’ve never discredited why I would want to try to rekindle a marriage with a man, who for the past four years has been living with and is engaged to another thing (sorry, not a big fan of things that accept proposals from married men – I’m a work in progress), while his family has suffered against poverty and homelessness. 

My blog, Mommy Not Friend, www.jandmpublishingcompany.com, looks at how I am raising my daughters to be virtuous women in the midst of this separation and divorce process.  However, I started that blog last year, at the beginning of my peace.  I wanted to vent, convey, chronicle, and let go, of what this divorce is putting my family and me through here, because I began writing on this blog when there were still moments of happiness in my marriage.

What I know About: Your Place in My Life

I hear from husbands all the time that they wish that their wife was their “best friend”. In the case of my best friend her husband, although we are also friends gets a bit jealous of our relationship. He often wishes that she would tell him all of the things that she tells me, or our other friend that she talks to all of the time.

Her answer to this was that “They are my best friends…You are my husband”. When she said it, it made perfect sense to me. A husband is one type of relationship. I think of it as part relative, part business partner, part boyfriend.

She explained to him that I could not serve as her husband… we did not live together, we have no children together, all that we do is talk on the phone or visit or travel every once in a while. Our relationship is not the same.

I am not sure what it is that husbands “think” that they want to take over this relationship? They don’t go around saying things like I want to be your mother, or your sister, or your boss? These are all relationships that give you access to insight into your wife… why not that?

I am beginning to believe that every relationship in your life is different. You will not share the same experiences that you do with your spouse, as you do with your mother and father, as you do with your children. My relationship with my aunts is going to be diffent than yours with your aunts. Even the relationships that I have with my children are different from each other. All though the relationships I have with them are both wonderful, they different, and I treasure them both for different reasons.

All and all If I ever marry again my husband probably won’t be my best friend, my best friend will remain the same person that it has been for the past 16/17 years. He will be my husband and that will be a relationship that will stand on it’s own merit.

What I know about: Getting Advice

As I have mentioned before I am one of the people that many of my friends call for advice. I expect it is because I generally shoot from the hip. I am not as concerned with sparing feelings as I am with sparing my friends from pain.

Recently I spoke with a good friend who called me in a panic. She was sure that her boyfriend was on the way out the door. She recounted to me the story. If her version is correct, his words were harsh, and inappropriate given the situation. But I told her to “hold steady because people sometimes freak out and have moments of bad judgment when faced with a number of difficult situations at the same time. Keep it in mind but keep it in perspective.”

She was relived to hear my advice, because the person she called for advice before she could get a hold of me had another story to tell. I asked her “Why did you call her for advice on this subject, has she ever been in this situation before?” Look at how she deals with similar issues, and then decide if you think her way is the best way for you.

Be cautious in who you seek advice from.

I can tell you what I know about lots of things. But there are plenty of things that I know nothing about. I have never adopted a child, I have never flown a plane, I have never run a farm. I could not tell you anything about those topics. If a friend came to me for advice in these subject areas, or many others, I would not even TRY and advise them beyond…Why don’t you go look it up, or find someone who had done this and ask them.

Advice from friends is a wonderful thing. These are the people that love you and know you, sometimes better than you know yourself. The outside perspective they have is a benefit when you cannot see clearly from the inside. Just know who your friends are and what their areas of competency are before you rely on their every word.

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