Category Archives: relationships

The Other Side

Mia LNature_Mountains_Snow-capped_mountains_on_the_horizon_030168_. Hazlett

After 7 years of separation and battling the courts for a simple court date, my storm ended last week.  While our eighteen year relationship will continue, our twelve year marriage came to an end.

Throughout the years of our separation it has been a constant emotional storm for me.  I’m not the person who stays friends with the ex.  It’s not who I am.  If we’re over, we’re over.  I have enough friends in my life; I don’t need to start adding exes to that list.

But this guy.  I’m stuck with this guy.  We have two beautiful daughters together and every Sunday for a few hours, he shows up.  For birthday parties and Christmas, he’s there.  That’s how co-parenting works.  That’s how the love for our children works.  And we do love our children.  Because we love them, we even attempted reconciliation for a few months here and there. But I realized I had moved on in my life.  God was moving me forwards, not backwards.

The misconception that many people have is that divorce is easy.  It’s not.  Even though we’ve had years of separation, we’ve also been a part of each others’ lives for almost two decades.  I get it; there are a massive amount of couples who have to have a strict court order in able to function through the parenting aspect of the relationship.

We didn’t want a court to dictate the relationship with our children or with each other for that matter.  We sat next to each other laughing and joking in the courtroom. We battled emotions and discussed not going through with it, but I thought God finally put me here after 7 years.  We stood outside for an hour after being evacuated for a bomb scare.  We both shared the same feeling, “maybe this is a sign.”

It wasn’t.  We returned to the courtroom and our 12 years ended in less than 10 minutes.  It was heartbreaking, and I allowed my heart to break for a week.  But then I shut down the pity party and began making plans for THE OTHER SIDE.

© 2016 Mia L. Hazlett

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Love Killers: Perfection 

People are human.

I know that seems a bit redundant, but let me explain from the context of relationships. I know you are probably flawless, but most humans have the capacity to be sad, angry, scared, liars, too honest…even the most prayerful and perfect people fall short.

When we are in love we tend to expect our partner to embody our vision of perfection every moment of every day.

When they fall a little short, we “try” to live with their flaws.

Continue reading Love Killers: Perfection 

Love Killers: Thirst

The desire to not appear “thirsty” has to be one of they big reasons couples today struggle to get new relationships off the ground.

You are considered needy or crazy if you don’t participate in the struggle not appear like you don’t need a parter on this earth. Women act distracted and aloof even in the midst of the perfect guy. Men make it a point to distract themselves to the point where they ignore women, and call it “just being a man”.

Both men and women will quickly kick to the curb any partner who seems to enjoy their company too much.

So then we all end up in love with only the most careless and non committal of all the partners we’ve had to choose from. And we complain when the partner we have settled upon does not pay too much attention to us.

It’s because everyone has trained each other to appreciate dehydration in a partner.

Continue reading Love Killers: Thirst

Baggage, Baggage, Baggage…Not!

461322101_140Baggage, Baggage, Baggage…Not!
By: Mia L. Hazlett
8/4/14

There comes a time after the dust has settled after separation/divorce, when dating enters the equation.  For me, I needed to know whom I wanted, before I proceeded down this slippery slope.  I had never dated with kids before.  I remember talking to one of my friends and she was surprised I was looking for a man who had been divorced and had kids.  “Why do you want someone with all that baggage?” she asked.

Continue reading Baggage, Baggage, Baggage…Not!

Build Your Village

By: Mia L. Hazlett

“I’m a strong independent black woman. I don’t need a man.” I spouted this ignorance to create a portrait of I’m not sure what, so many times. Not only am I unsure of my reasoning, but I honestly feel it was so others would think I had my shit together, when I didn’t. But I’ve come to discover, bravado is wonderful in the absence of humility.

I say this because it was a lie. At my weakest, I became dependent. I am not gay and want to be in a relationship, so therefore to do that I need a man. The funniest part about that saying, I’ve heard it said by tons of women, who are either in a relationship with a man or hunting for a man to be in a relationship with. Continue reading Build Your Village

Done With the Jesus Thing

Enjoy hell

By: Mia L. Hazlett

That’s right, I’m done with the Jesus thing.  I haven’t done a very good job with it, so I’m through with thinking I can change all things and have complete control of everything and anyone that comes into my life, so I’m not going to waste any of my time or energy trying to change the impossible.

I would love to turn water into wine.  It hasn’t happened.  I just look crazy and end up disappointed.  Apparently, I have not been blessed with that special ability. In accepting that I will have to pay for wine, I’ve also accepted I can’t change people, only myself.  I spoke the other night to one of my BFF’s friends.  He was having relationship issues, so he unloaded his problem and sought advice to his situation.  He is a preacher who puts God first always.  Over the past six months, Sunday was the day he and his girlfriend shared to worship God together.  She considered it their day.  He considered it a day he spent at church worshiping God.  This particular Sunday, he decided to bring in a friend who was in need of a church home.  He had spoken to him over the past few weeks and his friend was on the verge of suicide.  He informed his girlfriend his friend was joining them and she was upset that he invited someone to church without informing her first.

It seemed odd to me this woman who knew she was dating a preacher, was somehow upset he would bring someone in need of a church home to church.  He added a few other things he thought had changed about her over their relationship for the better, but was hoping she would continue to change in his favor.

The thing is, there are core behaviors in people, which form their character.  When we get to thinking we can change these behaviors and attempt to form them to the mold of the person we want them to be, we are trying to play God.  We put so much effort into changing that person, just so we won’t be alone, that in the months or maybe even years we put into changing the wrong person for us, we could have found the right one.

Know who you are and who you want in your life and you will attract them.  If the wrong person comes first, know they are just that, the wrong person. Don’t waste your time or theirs trying to change them.  If you want wine, seek wine.  Don’t try to be Jesus and take some water and perform a miracle.  It’s not going to happen.

Things to Do in the MEantime

By: Mia L. Hazlett

10/5/13

There is a MEantime that exist while I wait for The Next.  Life must continue and I’ve gotten to the point that I must continue to work on me and continue to become the woman I want to be when I grow up.  Deep down in my soul, I know I have not even reached a fraction of who God has created me to be.  I wake up at 4 before the sun rises.  In mere weeks, I will be coming home after the sun has come down.  I run myself frantic during the day getting my work done in a windowless 8×6 room for eight hours.

That’s not what my life has come down to.  It’s a wonderful job that has exposed me to wonderful people and a network worth knowing in life, but it’s not it for me.  My passion is writing.  That’s what I need to nurture.  That’s what is going to make me whole.  It won’t matter who The Next is, if I feel unfulfilled in this area of my life.  I’ve finally gotten to the point in my life where I know my happiness is my responsibility.  A man is not going to make me happy, writing, my God given gift, will.

That is not to say I am some lone warrior who wants to conquer the rest of my life alone.  But I’ve become  extremely selective about who gets to where The Next title.  Call me arrogant or hung up on myself, but I have expectations that I will not lower.  For instance, I grabbed a bite to eat the other night with a guy I used to see.  It wasn’t a date, it was meeting up after work.  Everything went well until  bill time came. I went to the bathroom and upon my return, the waitress was handing his card back saying there were insufficient funds.  I giggled to myself, because throughout my sporadic dating, I always ask God for a sign.  I didn’t even ask for a sign this time.

Throughout this dinner, this kind man had mentioned how he wanted to be in a serious relationship,  how that is what he was ready for in his life right now.  I thought that was a very bold statement.  Up until now, I had only heard how they weren’t ready for anything serious.  He did end up paying for the meal somehow, and we spent an awkward ten minutes at the table, he stating the reason for his finances and me wondering how I could be a single mother with two kids, have paid all my bills in the past week, and still have afforded this meal ten times over?

I didn’t hear from him for about four days and when he did send a text, he was asking when he could see me next.  I was honest and told him I doubt it would happen.  At this point in my life I needed someone who was financially stable and capable of taking me out for a quick bite to eat after work.  I told him that I come with kids, and one day we would all be out to eat.  He proceeded to call me a gold digger and tell me he wasn’t looking to support anyone and that he was not hurting for money by any means.  Okay.

I was hurt that he thought of me as a gold digger, so I went to a knowledgeable source of she who knows everything, my BFF.  She told me I should have responded “me too.”  She relayed that I knew the situation, no matter what he told me.  I would be in a situation of supporting this man who did not have his finances where mine were and I should not feel bad about it.  It was a short lived guilt.  I can’t waiver from my expectations.  I can’t fall short of who God wants me to become.  And if I’ve learned anything in life, lowered expectations are no longer an option.