He says “I spent my whole life building this façade of neatness, but now that I know Jesus I boast in my weakness”.

I recently had lunch with a friend who I thought I was just meeting  to talk about work type stuff. That discussion quickly went by the wayside when she decided to trust me enough to tell me about some difficult times she was having. One thing that stood out to me is that she had not told many people.

I knew exactly why.
As women, especially black, professional women, so much is expected of us. If we don’t appear to have it all together at all times, we are always afraid we will be immediately dropped into the stereotypical troubled black girl bucket.
We feel like we have to be relatable to our non-minority counterparts (like they don’t go through hard times). It’s an unwritten understanding that we have to be twice as good as our peers to earn equal credibility, thus, leave no flaws visible.
The other thing that happens among us is that we “hate” on each other. When we get a win; get a great job, find a good guy we are happy for our friend (sort of). But when we find ourselves in over our head in that new job, or that guys turns out to have a wandering eye, SOME of our friends are the last ones we want to turn to.
So we hide our weaknesses, and pains, sometimes to the point where we endure pain, abuse and worse in silence.

Momma said keep family business in the house, right?
I am as guilty of this as anyone, but little by little I am starting to open up. But to Mr. Bethke’s point our trials are our testimony.

I don’t have a ton of money, or lots of free time, but I do have my story. I have been through so many things, and with faith, patience, prayer and support I have come further that I knew I could, and I know I have more to accomplish. If five years ago when I felt like my life had reached a new low, someone would have told me “I’ve been there, hold on, it will get better” that would have changes so many things for me. I might have even gotten to this point faster than I did (I spent a considerable amount of time wallowing in my sorrow).

So if you’re reading this today, and you are going through something difficult, listen, I know it’s hard but if you push through it, there is something good for you on the other side.

Sometimes it’s hard to keep the future beyond the struggle at top of mind when you are going through something bad.  I need reminders, for EVERYTHING. Write it down, big, and put it on your mirror. I know one woman who had it  taped her steering wheel. It helps to keep reading it even if you’re not feeling it. Read it out loud, generally what you speak becomes your truth.

Finally know, you are not alone.
Others are standing where you have stood. If your friends don’t understand, or they are haters, find some people that do understand. I never ask parenting advice from non-parents, or people whose kids are terrible. Reach out to people who you think might k now what you are talking about and might be able to help. F what your mama said and speak your truth. It makes your human, and just might get you what you need to get through this thing.

If you can’t find anyone, come find me. My friends and I have unfortunately been through some pretty rough times, and we are all still standing strong, and being blessed every day. We’ve been broken too many times to judge you on your broken-ness.

And when you get through it, and I am sure you will boast in your weakness, and be there to hold the next woman up.

My oldest said “I don’t believe in new years resolutions, because you don’t keep them anyway.”

I stopped, I cannot believe that I have been doing this all these years, but had not passed the practice onto my child who is about to go out on her own.

Not only do I make them and I keep them.

I explained to her that every year I think through what I have done, what I want to do and I post my resolutions on my blog for everyone to see. It keeps me honest, and it gives me some place to go and remind myself about what I promised myself that I would do for me.

She asked, “like what? What are your resolutions.” I explained, last year I resolved to spend more time with my family.  Did I keep it? I asked.

“We might have spent too much time together” she answered.

“That’s just a goal.”

But that is exactly what a resolution is. A public declaration of a goal that you have for yourself.

So she thought for a bit, then asked “can going to college be my resolution?” It can be but why not dig deeper? Resolve to go to college with $5,000, no $10,000 in scholarship money. That will push you to really try your best to reach that goal this year.

From the back seat I hear a little voice “So mommy… what’s your resolution this year?”

This year we will buy a new house, baby. I will not give up because it is hard, I will save the money and go through the NACA program like aunt Erica told me about, sell this house and buy a new house that will comfortably fit our new bigger family. It’s going to be a long road but I am gonna do it. I am also going to be nicer to daddy.

That’s a good one mommy, you should be nicer to daddy.

First, the only pants that fit me were yoga, sweat or maternity. I started working out as soon as I got medical clearance, to try to at least get back into my pants, but I didn’t quite make that goal. I had some dresses, but they were the same dresses I wore through most of my pregnancy, when I put them on now they remind me of month 5.  My baby acne had just cleared up, leaving some nice acne marks around my chin. But those were okay, since they were about the same color as the circles under my eyes. My hair was newly thick from the pregnancy and vitamins, but a bit misshapen from the shedding and breakage that happens after deliver.

I did not want to go back to work looking and feeling a wreck. I have never been the type of person that is okay with using my kids as an excuse for not doing my best professionally. Because let’s face it, I work so that I can support them. The better my effort at work is, the better I can support them.

I happen to know this about myself, when I look good, I feel better.

So I put a little money aside, and made a list of the equipment I needed to pull it together enough to feel okay about dropping my baby off and heading into work.

• 3 tummy camouflaging tops
• A simple black dress
• Black flats
• Comfortable black heels
• Nude low heel
• Haircut
• Lipstick

Most everything I bought is black or brown, since I no longer have time to figure out what matches in the mornings. The haircut made it faster to fix my hair, the time I save there, can go into 5 minutes of makeup. I have started getting good at packing everything up at night that I need to walk out the door with in the morning, so I don’t spend much time pulling things together.

I still am pretty tired, and life with three kids is crazy, but at least when I get to work I sorta look like I have it all together.  Yeah I’m faking it, but one day soon, once the baby can put on her own pants, I will no longer be a tired mess, I will be rested and organized and wearing pants that button.

Joel 3:10 Beat your plow-shares into swords, and your pruning-hooks into spears: let the weak say, I am strong.

I dealt with some of the things those girls go through, like;

• Going to class pregnant
• My parents not talking to me
• Dirty looks in the mall with the stroller
• Being pressured to marry a boy who was not ready to be married
• WIC and health care provided by the state
• Child support and visitation hearings

If you met me today, you would never know that I know that I had been through all of that and more. Today I have a great job, a nice home and an amazing daughter who is getting ready to go off to college, and if you make good decisions you will too.

Young moms, when you look down in that stroller at this new person that you’re now responsible for, squint your eyes a little and try to look past your current situation. One day, not too long from now, that little baby will be a teenager. From this point on it’s on you to steer them from where they are now to the point where they are ready to manage life on their own.

How are you going to do this?

First, know that there is no such thing as being a perfect parent. If you are trying to be perfect you’re going to drive you child away and yourself crazy.  Also, you know a great deal more than you think you do about raising a child. Look back at what your parents did well, and what they didn’t do so well and start from there.

Decide now what you want for your child and her future. If its college then read to her every night and stay up on her grades, make sure you get her to the best schools you can find and help her to figure out what she loves and might want to do for a living.

If that’s not so important to you, just focus on keeping those lines of communication open, and try to be the best role model you can. They may rarely do what you say, but they almost always do what you do. If you don’t want them to be a teen mom, be as honest with them as you can about how you got there, and what you might have done differently.

Discipline her when she’s wrong, and cheer her on when she does something great. Most important, love her every day, no matter what she does (or doesn’t do), and make sure she knows it.

I know that this is not how you thought it was going to turn out, but you have to remember this is just the beginning and 17 years moves by faster than you think. Yes your life is a little more challenging than what your non parent peers are experiencing, but this will make so strong, and give you skills that will serve you all your life.

You can do this.

Start dreaming for your baby’s future now, and begin moving your life and plans in that direction. But don’t forget your dreams, you have keep them and keep working towards them. Ironically, the realization of your dreams will be what makes you able to secure your baby’s future. Also, there is a little pair of eyes watching you and deciding how she will live her life and raise her children based on what you do.

No pressure.

But then I saw the two blue lines. What the hell?!

Last year during my annual doctor’s appointment, I asked about my rather unpredictable periods. I was told that it was probably the beginning of perimenopause. I remember clearly my kind and funny doctor said the good news was after two C-sections and ovarian cysts I can probably stop worrying about birth control. The bad news, I can start worrying about hot flashes.

Lesson learned; you can get pregnant in perimenopause.

I was so afraid. I am quite a few years past 35, and one of the first things the ob explained was my risk for having a baby with developmental challenges. Then, I am so out of shape, my back hurts and I make noises when I get off the floor, and that was happening before I was pregnant. How was my body going to handle a pregnancy, more weight gain and a third C-section?

By some miracle, I craved fruit, and ice, only gained 30 pounds. I was able to stay active up to about 32 weeks and did not go on bed rest until the end of my 38^th week.  With my other two pregnancies I gained 60 pounds and was on bed rest by week 35, and they were born early at 36 and 37 weeks.

I gave birth to a beautiful healthy little girl on her scheduled due date.  I recovered, lost 20 of the 30 pounds and got back in the gym on week 8. I’m not sure how long it will take to lose these last 10 pounds.

I am no longer convinced that there is any right time to have a baby. I was as frightened and nervous this time as I was when I saw those two lines at 21 years old. It doesn’t matter if you are 25 of 45, If you have money in the bank or you are praying for your next dollar it’s never the right time. But be encouraged, you can do it, it’s worth it.

I had just picked up “the llama” from her first new years eve out with friends. She is really growing up. Christmas 2011 will be her last one here at home.  Her sister is still pretty young, but she was passed out there next to me and I couldn’t  help but notice how tall she is getting, she will be 16 too before I know it.

This is the first Christmas that I didn’t work through the whole thing. I was home for about eight days of their two weeks off. I cleaned, cooked, played and talked, and it was great. At one moment on Christmas day I was in the kitchen taking something out of the oven when I looked over and saw a bunch of kids in the living room ( 19, 17, 16 and 8 ) playing the new Just Dance 2 game, dancing, bumping into each other and laughing so hard they were falling on the floor. I couldn’t help but laugh, I think that is what pure parental joy feels like.

I liked that feeling, I want more.  I resolve this year to spend more time with my family.

They know I work hard, I have driven home that lesson. I will wait til after bedtime to pull out the laptop, and not check the crackberry everytime it blinks and buzzes.

I have used so little vacation time, I am  in jeopardy of loosing some of it if I don’t use it. so I am going to dip into my four weeks of accrued vacation time this year to do simple things like go on school field trips, and hang out with them while they are on spring break. I think I’ve been on one school field trip in my entire 16 years of being a parent.

In 2011 I will find the balance.

Too many black men grow up without a code of conduct.  Random forces are allowed to shape them in ways that are often negative.  Just like a well manicured lawn requires constant care and attention, young black men require a diligent hand to guide their growth.  While many single mothers and men of other races are working hard to provide this guidance, I think there are few substitutes for a strong black adult man in the life of a young black man.

However, we cannot have strong black adult men if we do not learn to live according to a code of conduct.  I am a Christian, but I think that such a code should be broad enough to allow black men of other faiths to embrace it.  It should also be general enough to allow black men to implement it in a way that suits their particular needs.  This code is a combination of principles instilled in me by my father as well as ideas I’ve discovered through experience.  Here is my proposed Code of Conduct for Black men:

Article 1 – Relationships

• Section 1 – Informed Consent: If I am sexually intimate with more than one person, then every person involved should be aware of that fact including the disclosure of any same sex activity.
• Section 2 – Hands Off: I will never violently harm a woman.
• Section 3 – Make One, Raise One: If a child results from my sexual activity, I will be directly involved in developing that child into a responsible adult.

Article 2 – Fatherhood

• Section 1 – Presence: I will be physically and emotionally present in the life of my offspring.
• Section 2 – Talent Search: I will help my children understand their talents and provide assistance in developing them.
• Section 3 – Mirror Mirror: I will strive to be a positive example for my sons to emulate and for my daughters to use when selecting a mate.

Article 3 – Economics

• Section 1 – Revenue Generation: I will generate income either as an employee or as an entrepreneur.
• Section 2 – Par Excellence: My work will always show a high level of quality.
• Section 3 – Saving Plan: I will set a portion of my income aside in order to save for future needs.

Article 4 – Health

• Section 1 – Eating Habits: I will maintain a healthy diet.
• Section 2 – Physical Fitness: I will engage in regular exercise.
• Section 3 – Health Checks: I will regularly seek the counsel of health professionals in order to sustain good health.

As I said, this is meant to be a simple code that is easy to remember and implement.  If every African American man made this code a part of his life, then many of the statistics I cited at the beginning of this article would dramatically reduce or disappear altogether.  I challenge every black man reading this to find and apply some standard to your life so that we can achieve our full potential and corporately make a positive contribution to society.

4/22/10

Have you ever gotten to the point in your life when enough is enough?  You’ve hung on the best you could, but life becomes overwhelming?  I finally got there last February.  And finally on the way home from a really bad day at work, it came to me…Let Go and Let God.  My friend had said these words to me months before and it never really hit me until that one moment. 

In that split second, God revealed His plan for me in one word – Texas.  Ever year, I feel God challenges me with a life lesson.  Last year was to Trust Him.  This year’s lesson is to Obey Him.   A hard word to swallow for a control freak – OBEY.  Well I can tell you that since that moment in my car, I haven’t looked back.  God has shaken me up with some life altering decisions I’ve had to make, but the doors that He’s closed, have nothing on the doors He’s opened. 

Moving in faith has gotten me to the point that I now just have to be still.  There is peace and rest at a time in my life when everything is storming around me.  There is such a peace that it doesn’t even feel comfortable being where I’m at.  God has already moved my mindset onto the next level. 

Now I’ve had plenty of opposition with this move.  There are plenty of people that see me crawling out of the bucket and would enjoy me wasting away at the bottom of safety zone with them. But what they don’t understand is that they aren’t holding me back, they are stifling the dreams I have for my daughters.  These are all people that love me and my daughters without a doubt. But they don’t pay my bills.  They rarely if ever watch my kids, never mind come over and visit.  Point is; I’m a single mother raising two girls, that hasn’t been deterred by my circumstances to continue to dream for them like I always have. 

So last weekend, God delivered me from the bucket.  He brought me to visit my family’s dream.   He placed me in the homes that He made me write out in detail.  It can only be God when you write out your dream house and then months later walk through it. To have the house next door to your closest friend come up for lease is only God. 

Now not only did I find the dream neighborhoods to raise my daughters in, but I found a church home for us. I’ve always watched Pastor Joel Osteen on television, and then last Sunday I stood in his church.  But it wasn’t just about his church; it was who I was there with, my best friend and her family.  To have someone who knows you and your struggle so well, that without solicitation, they tell you you’re going for private prayer, is truly powerful.  I stood and prayed with my friend in my new church home. That moment truly solidified my decision.

Obeying God has been a fearful journey, but faith has prevailed.   God has taken my dream from just a house to Shadow Creek Ranch.  He has taken my promise of a good education for my children, and bombarded me with some of the top choices in our nation.  He has taken me from looking for just another job, to delivering dream career choices.  He has delivered all of this to me, without even moving me.  And I know this is all because I Let Go and Let God.  All glory to my Creator.

Saturday night on Facebook, my daughter started getting some very mean and disturbing messages from a girl who she is usually good friends with. Soon after she began getting these messages, a number of her friends began to call. It was about 10 min before her phone curfew, so she had to explain to me what was going on and ask permission to use the phone after curfew. The phone calls were from other friends asking what the heck was wrong with this girl, why all the sudden was she being so awful to her friends?  About an hour into this, the girl called crying and explaining that it was not her sending these messages, her Facebook account had been hacked into.

By the next day, many other kids accounts had been hacked into, and there were message that appeared to be from these kids to other kids all over the place . My daughter came to me and asked for me to try and help her protect her account. I knew how to do this, because my twitter account had been hacked a few months ago, and I google-d the info on how to do this.

So we

• Changed her e-mail address to an AOL address that she created that morning
• Changed her password to that she had not ever used for any other account
• Changed the permission for anyone to post to her wall
• Customized her access so that only certain people were allowed access

She did not get hacked, at all.

So Monday came and of course she was nervous about walking into school, accusations about who did this were flying all over e-mail, Facebook and txt message. She knows one of the boys who is being accused very well, and he swears that it was not him. However the girl who was hit by the first incident is convinced that it is him, and she took the incident out of the computer and back to the streets… and she assaulted the boy at school.

This caused the principal to get involved they heard the story, and the next thing you know these two kids spent the entire day in the office in questioning, every kid that they cited as having involvement in this incident received questionnaires to fill out, and “guys in suits” as my daughter calls them have been walking the halls all week, luckily her district has very specific cyber bullying policy. Despite the distraction that I am sure this is causing, I am comforted by the fact that their school is taking this cyber bully/hacking incident seriously.

Unfortunately, it took some very high profile, national cases and we had to loose some children before school administrators decided to try understand the impact of this behavior. They surely did not take this much care on interest in traditional bullying that took place in school 1.0. Do not forget, that this is not a new behavior, it’s just a new platform. Believe-it or-not, there were bullies, rumor mills, and fraud when I was in high school too. There was more than one girl whose reputation and self esteem were damaged by a new technology that came out in the mid 80′s called 3-way calling. Let’s not forget the potentially detrimental impact of note-passing and the more recent, e-mail (10+ years) and text messages (5+ years).

This is a case where understanding the permissions and security features offered by Facebook may have helped my daughter. More important the open lines of communication and level of trust we have build helped us both through this situation.

Does this mean she gets off Facebook?

No.

Why? Because as my grandmother used to say, “one monkey don’t stop a show.” We don’t stop using the phone because of crank calls or bill collectors, and we haven’t stopped using e-mail because of spam or viruses.

This very same weekend Facebook also offered her a place to see some baby photos that her dad uploaded, one that she had never seen before. She and I exchanged jokes about a movie that we want to go see together, and she found a new local band who offered her an interview.

Resources

Parent resources for Cyber Safety

Stop Cyber Bullying – This Facebook page has lots of good information on this topic including notes on what is it, what’s the law, how to prevent it and taking action

Studies show that only 5 percent of middle-schoolers tell their parents when they’re the victims of cyberbullying. Parenting.com gives five clues that may let you know something’s going on in your child’s online world. http://www.parenting.com/article/Child/Behavior/Is-Your-Kid-Being-Cyberbullied

Teens Be Aware of New Facebook Privacy Settings

A Teen Survival Guide to Social Networking

Recently I have had more than my fair share of conversations with other parents about technology and their kids. The reactions have run the gamut between absolute refusal to allow their children to participate at all, to cautious approval, to a complete hands off approach. I never really thought much about it, until I stopped to listen to a few of these super passionate, an opinionated conversations on the subject.  AND You should see the looks I get if I decide to chime in on the subject and share my experiences.  After the fourth or fifth eye roll,  it finally dawned on me that there might be some fear and confusion around this subject that should be addressed.

At the moment everyone in my house has an ipod, we’ve got a couple of laptops, and digital cameras, and of course Wi-Fi. My oldest daughter has a cell phone, and I pay for unlimited data service. She has her own blog, YouTube channel, twitter account and Facebook page, in fact she had a MySpace page too.

I know ewww MySpace how could I? In my defense it was about two years ago, before MySpace went evil and I had total access to the username and password.  Actually MySpace really changed her life, and shaped her career path. She discovered on MySpace that she had access to all kinds of teen musicians, bloggers and other talented kids. She began interviewing them on MySpace and blogging about them. She is a pretty responsible kid, I had to time to spot check her activities and it all worked out okay.

However I realize that it’s easy for me to take this position. I make my living online, and blogging is my hobby.  If you weren’t raised with a keyboard in your lap, you might be trying to parent with a digital disadvantage.

Then

When I was growing up cordless phones, giant home computers, vcr’s, video games and pagers where amazing technological advances. If you have a child under the age of 18, think about it, they grew up in a world of  laptops, cell phones, iPods.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones.  Back around 1985ish my dad had the foresight to purchase a home computer. It must have set him back a pretty penny! When everyone else was scared of computers taking over the world and replacing jobs, my dad encouraged my brothers and I to play with it. Why? Because hre had a feeling that it would be a big part of our future, and how the world would do business. Wish had had bought us some of the nice Apple stock too.

Now

Social networking and interactive technology is not going away. It is simply the latest evolution of technology. The next big thing will be much more more frighting and obtrusive than this is now. Someday, this will be the good old days.

But what about the danger? Should you really allow your kids to put themselves out there in the world like that?

Yes. But I think you have to understand how and why and in what context.

You teach them how to cross the street safely, and how to conduct themselves in other public forums, why not this one?

Teens & Facebook Pros & Cons
Facebook Fathers
Holding Her Hand When Crossing the Digital Divide
Is your 7 Year on a Social Networks
Building trust with Picture Mail